Tonight I'm missing those I've lost. Not in a way that's hurtful or painful but instead just remembering the things they brought into my life. While I may shed a few tears, I'm smiling. I'm smiling for the laughs they gave me, the lessons they taught me, and all the moments I had the privilege of having them in my life. My Pap used to have me poke his belly and pop out his false teeth which seemed like the funniest things to me when I was growing up. He left his truck to my dad when he passed. In doing that, my dad gave me a memory I will never forget. He told me that the truck only ran well when I was in it. And I believed it to be the truth. My Uncle Mark was the funniest person I've ever known. The weekend before his passing he told me I had to watch an absolutely ridiculous movie about a psycho bride and a horror of a wedding… just before I tied the knot. He snored louder than jet engine and even that just makes me laugh now. My grandpa… oh, my grandpa. He would never let me forget the time I was caught… in a hotel… drinking… and dressed in my pajamas when I was still in high school. The whole family was there as he took his last breathe and while it was sad, I know he'll be watching over us. And there was my niece, Sophia. She was just six days old. While she didn't have time to show us who she could be, we saw who she was. She was strong for those six days. She was the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. She was like an angel just visiting. While it sometimes hurts to lose our loved ones, it's nice to have had time with them at all. Instead of being sad for the time that I will not get to spend with them, I will forever be happy for the time that I did. Each made an impact on my life in some way and for that I am grateful.
Next time you're feeling sad about a lost loved one, remember the stories they gave you. Remember what they gave you to smile about. Hold the memory close to your heart.
The older I get, the more I see, the more I learn, I find that life is just so much more important. It's cherishing the small moments. It's loving those that you love to love. It's watching the big AND small accomplishments of others and sharing in their joy. It's being able to be there for the ones that need you. It's working hard but not overworking. The little things... the big things... all those in between.
It's standing at a bakery ordering pastries with your husband and looking out the window to see it snowing and taking a minute to enjoy that very moment. To be thankful to HAVE that very moment and to share it with someone special. It's doing the smallest, easiest things you can do to put a smile on someone's face.
I used to think that life would be like the movies. That suddenly, when you were having that perfect moment, like a first kiss or dance, or the moment you realize that you've fallen in love, that a song would start playing that set the tone perfectly. The truth is, life IS like the movies. No, a song doesn't come on at the perfect moment but we can make our own songs all the time. The silence is a song, the chaos is a song, life is a song just waiting to be written. We all get these amazing moments and we get the opportunity to enjoy them if we wish.
Life isn't about staying angry, holding grudges, arguing over the silly things, hanging on to the things we can't change. Life isn't about letting the small things bother you or trying to make people see things your way.
Life is about enjoying what we can and seeking moments that we never want to forget.
Life is putting on the perfect song and writing down what we sometimes don't say. Life is about what we leave behind. Our legacy. Big or small. Just a piece of us to live forever. For me, it could be these very words if nothing else but if just one person seizes a moment for the words that I wrote, I will have left behind something great.
I want to believe that everyone is worth it. I
want to believe that you can help people; that you can make them feel whole when
they aren’t. I want to believe that everyone deserves one person that will stick
with them through their hard times and watch them become better because of it. I
want to believe that everyone wants to help themselves and that one person can help another.
The harsh reality is that not everyone wants your help no matter
how much you are willing to provide it. While there is only so much I can do
alone, it’s never my place to judge or think I understand the life that someone
else has been living.
I cannot always understand the choices that others make as I am
simply an outsider to their situation. It’s hard to watch someone make a choice
that you know they may regret, they know they may regret, and could kill them or
rip their life apart in the end. So what do you do? It’s a rock and hard place.
It hurts my heart.
It’s hard to really know where people are coming from. At best,
you can make an educated guess about what you think they meant or how you think
they are feeling but you can really never know for sure unless they tell you. On
the other end of things, sometimes it's hard for people to really pin point
exactly what has caused them to react or say the things they said and they have
a hard time articulating their point. When all is said and done, mass chaos can
be caused when intensions were innocent and pure. Is it really worth the fight
to get your point across or are things just better left unsaid?
Contrary to what some may believe, I always try to follow what I
think is the right thing at the time. On occasion, of course, this gets me into
trouble. You can never predict how someone else may react or respond to things
you feel. Regardless of how hard you try, you will from time to time be taken
out of context and misinterpreted. It’s how you counter react in the end that makes
all the difference.
I have experienced true heartache; One that no words could ever describe. Just two short days ago, I sat with my sister as she laid her 6 day old baby to rest. Sophia Noelle, born unexpectedly April 6th after severe complications, was taken off life support just six days after her birth. She had several internal bleeds and damage to her brain due to a lack of oxygen at birth. She was beautiful. She was as perfect as she could be.
She took her last breath shortly after leaving my arms. She held on long enough for everyone around to get to hold her and comfort her on her final day. We will never get to see her grow up or have all the firsts that babies have but in my heart I know she is in a better place. As my sister makes it through the next few days, months, and years without her, I hope she finds comfort in having the support of the family and knowing that we will always be there for her. I hope that my family finds peace again and understands that this plan was bigger than all of us. I can only assume that we shall feel sad forever about this loss but maybe one day, we will see Sophia again.
I wish that no one ever had to experience this pain and devastation. For any that have, I’m truly sorry.
All this time I've been scared. I've let myself become so burdened with fear that I've neglected the life I could have been living. Beside me, I have this over the top, more than amazing husband. I have a family that cares about me and reminds me that they are proud of me. I have friends that are always willing to help and will be there when I need them. I have passion and I have love. I was searching for faith and inspiration. I've found it.
I've found a new sense of calm and a feeling that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. It's funny how this happens. It took multiple reminders and me letting go to realize that you can't force it or control it's timing or even foresee it in your future but it's there when you let it be and when you're most ready for it.
I wish this magic for everyone. I wish that the peace I feel could wash over the world creating a stillness for a moment; A calm. I wish we could save it, bottle it up, rinse and repeat. Tonight, I shed a tear but not because I'm lost or worried or scared that I'll never feel fulfilled. I shed a tear because I've seen an extraordinary grace and I am in peace right where I am tonight.
Sometimes, in this great big world, we get lost. We struggle to find comfort in the midst of our fear. I once said that I was a believer. I believe that there is beauty and wonder and magic in this world and sometimes it appears to take us by surprise and sometimes we must create it on our own. We just need to be reminded that it's there or help remind someone else that it is. It's true that life is what we make of it but what's really important is how you interpret the day to day experiences. Close your eyes and listen. Open your eyes and breathe. Feel the sun on your face. Feel the rain pour. Remind yourself of the beauty that exists in this world on your darkest day and when you see someone else who is facing a tough time, be the light that lifts them up. Sometimes, a smile is all it takes. And faith.
How do you sort through the mud and expose yourself to the sun? How do you make the clouds disappear? How do you make the rain stop? How do you get happy again?
At the end of the day, the only person that controls you is you. You decide if the glass is half full. You determine what it takes to get you through the day and what’s just not enough. Everything in the world is subjective. It’s subjective to your personal opinion.
Difficult situations seem to collide with us each and every day but how we deal is the key to our own success. It’s so easy to let something that seems so big on one specific day change the rest of our life. It’s easy to make decisions in the heat of the moment that we later come to regret.
So when you’re sad or feeling down and blue, remember only you have the power to change it. I think it’s important to ask ourselves what we really want out of life and put our hurt aside and work on the things that are important to us. Everyone is made different and not everyone will have to same reaction to every situation. This is what makes us individuals. It’s important to remember that our opinion is just that, ours.
It’s hard not to wonder what it’s all for. It’s hard to go through the motions and live day by day never knowing if there’s more to this life. We’re born, we grow, we work, we reproduce, we try to find what makes us happy… yet, there’s always something in the way or to get through or to push harder for. Sure we’ve all got a dream we could fulfill but once we’ve reached it, aren’t we typically on to reaching for another? Does anyone truly feel like they’ve accomplished all their dreams and fulfilled all their potential? More importantly, how could I become one of those people?
At 25, I question myself each and every day. Am I making smart choices? Am I accomplishing my goals? Am I working towards something greater that will make me whole? I’m maneuvering through the daily obstacles collecting pieces of what I think will complete me and at the end of the day, I still think I’m meant for more. While still young, I hope that one day it clicks. That all the pieces fit. That I wake up and find that I’ve made it or become it or fulfilled it… whatever IT is.
So, in the midst of all that, it’s the daily magic that makes it worthwhile on my journey of working toward it. Nothing special or grand, some simple, seemingly insignificant things that pop up throughout the day that remind me why I press on. The simple text from my dad to inform me he has learned a new song on his guitar because I LOVE the sound of music. A reminder from my husband that he loves me. A compliment on my work from my boss. The rain. The sun. It’s true what they say about the simple things and I hope I never forget it.
What simple things put a smile on your face? Write them down or make a mental note because when life has got you down, these are the things you need to remember to show you that while all days may be hard, not all days are bad. Right smack dab in the middle of the worst day, a rainbow might appear to remind you that you, too, can project magnificent color after a storm.
Music. Music is my inspiration. I can’t explain it or describe it but there’s a feeling I get when a good song comes on the radio and it reminds me that there is something larger than this life. It reminds me that there are bigger things out there and I feel alive. The sound of music takes me to a place I can’t even dream up. It makes me want to move and feel and explore and express.
Music embodies my emotions. It can take me from a sad place to a happy one in a split second and then right back to a sad place with a single note. It makes me feel creative or joyful, puts me in a moment, or reminds me of a memory. If I were a puppet, music would hold my strings. When I get to dance, I feel as though I can feel a dance rather than just put movements to a rhythm. I am passionate about these things beyond belief.
Sometimes we have a hard time putting ourselves out there and I have been afraid of dancing. I’ve feared that I was too old, too bad, too busy, and what would people say? It’s time to take a different approach, go after it, and worry about the rest later. I shall never know what doors will open if I am unwilling to turn their knobs.
What is it that makes you feel like there is something more? What moves you beyond the places that you could move yourself? Embrace these things, for these gifts are neither an accident nor mistake, but rather a chance for you to see life in a new light and feel things that can’t be described.
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